The other night, my mom and I watched the movie "Julie and Julia." It was a good flick and a decent opportunity for the two of us to relax together, something I've been missing terribly as of late. The story was entertaining, but I was most intrigued by this whole blogosphere phenomenon. I consider myself a pretty current person, tech-savvy enough to relate with my contemporaries, but not quite an active player in the whole movement.
It's been a really rough year: friendships that have seemingly disappeared, car accident, health problems, family feuds, etc. I'm not saying 2009 didn't have its upside. I found Scott, my boyfriend and best friend, on eHarmony. I watched my mom fall in love and I made some hard decisions that I should have a long time ago.
It's just that I feel I've sort of lost myself this year. I'm constantly in a fury, trying to fix something in my life and always feeling like a failure. In the end, I always feel like I should have done better, more, faster, etc. I can't ever recognize what I have accomplished; it's the tasks left undone I focus on.
I don't remember always being this negative. I remember being carefree, but then as soon as I found happiness, I found heartache. I'm 22 years old, and seriously, I don't know how I am supposed to be anymore.
It was easier last year - 21 is obvious. How did I grow up in 30 seconds or less? What happened to that fleeting moment? I didn't drink or party before I turned 21, and yes, that includes my year at UW-Madison. I didn't really let loose even after that point.
Now I'm figuring out what to do with the rest of my life. I think I've found the person I want to spend that time with but now it's just a matter of finding out what I will be.
Grad school applications are in, control is gone - it's not up to me anymore.
That's comforting in a way.
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